With each passing hour I draw closer to what I am hopeful will be my last cycle of five hours of chemotherapy per day for five days.
G-d willing this will begin Wednesday.
As has been the case in my previous three cycles this is the moment when I am quite literally at my weakest both physically and spiritually.
There are only two sources from which I have been able to strengthen and fortify myself against these weaknesses in body and spirit......
Shabbos and Family.
....And this cycle has proven no different.
Shabbos was beautiful. Lisa, Adam and Danielle arrived on Friday afternoon and we spent Shabbos dinner at friends whose apartment offered spectacular views overlooking the flowing waters separating the westside of Manhattan from New Jersey as well as views back east towards Central Park....truly breathtaking.
After a sumptuous Shabbos meal we walked back along the southern edge of Central Park to our apartment on Manhattan's eastside.
Shabbos morning my dearest friend Yitsie Miller joined me and we davened once again at the Sephardic Synagogue on Manhattan's eastside....truly one of the warmest and most welcoming of communities.
Lisa had prepared a picnic lunch which we all enjoyed in Central Park.
Shabbos was filled with much laughter, rest and teffilot.
As always,....I searched the depths of the Parsha as the other source for inspiration and strength.
It now appears so fitting to me that it is Parsha Chukas that was the Parsha read as I take this penultimate step on my current journey.
The Jewish people has just lived through and witnessed Korach's rebellion and all of its consequences.
They had to emerge from this experience literally shaken to their core.
...And so they entered Parsha Chukas...which means decrees...and learned of the red heifer which is the quintessential example of those laws which we are obligated to perform despite our inability to understand their meaning.
Chukim are the laws which differ from the Mishpatim....which are those laws which we observe and do understand.
So the Parsha opens with the intricate details of the laws surrounding the red heifer and is followed in quick succession by four devastating events.
Aaron and Moshe striking the rock instead of speaking to it as instructed by Hashem thereby forfeiting their right to enter Israel....Miriam dies....Aaron dies....and then as if sensing that the Jewish peolpe were at their most weakened state both physically and spiritually from the succession of these events....our fiercest of enemies....Amalek, (whose name means to doubt), attacks us at exactly that moment...and we prevail.
How do we prevail against Amalek? How is that possible? How does this tie in to Chukas and the laws which lay beyond our comprehension?!?....and why does this strengthen me?
My dearest friend and chavrusa Naphtali Perlberger pointed out the following in our learning together as we approached Shabbos.
Between the incident of the spies having been sent in to the land of Israel two Parshas ago and Miriam's death....38 years had elapsed....
38 of the 40 total years the Jews wandered in the desert....incredible.
....more incredible than this vast amount of time is that the Torah is silent....absolutely silent and gives not a clue....as to what transpired during these years.
Seemingly incomprehensible?!?!....not a clue....just like Chukim....
Naphtali sighted our Sages who inform us that the Jewish people learned and studied Torah during these 38 years....and it was this and only this which afforded them the closest of relationships with The Almighty and provided them the strength to deal with the knowledge that they would not be granted entry into the Promised Land....that Moshe and Aaron would not enter as well....that Miriam would die....that Aaron would die and lastly that the enemy of enemies Amalek....would attack them as well.
Only through their emunah and bituchan....their faith and trust that Hashem knew what was best for them....even if they couldn't see it completely or comprehend it at all....could they rise above these spiritual and physical threats and prevail over them.
And so to with me.
I am at my weakest....both spiritually and physically....filled with doubt....the Amalek within me is attacking....hoping I succumb and falter further....
Yet I must take that leap of faith....and have complete trust that I am in Hashem's loving hands....and believe that He will protect me....and trust that He knows what is best for me.
In knowing this....I soldier on....confident that no matter what.... I will endure and all will have been for my betterment....as I know with certainty that Hashem loves me and knows what is best for me....
....this is how I will cross the bridge between the known and the unknown....and navigate through the darkness....between what is understood and what is not understood....through this cloud of uncertainty that has enveloped me....
These are the moments in which we all must truly turn to Hashem and consecrate ourselves to Him and truly work to make our lives holy and kadosh as He has instructed us and in doing so....truly live....
B'simcha
michael
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So good to see your post, Michael!
ReplyDeleteDespite these unbearably difficult times, you are doing everything possible to live right and live well. You have so many who are thinking, praying, and supporting you even when you can't see us. And that you reach out ---beyond your physical and spiritual weaknesses--strengthens you and all of us and enables all of us to reach further and strive towards right living and living well.
We wish you a Happy Fathers' Day, and an easier week ahead.
all our love,
louise and jon
Happy Fathers Day Michael.the weekend sounded really nice....you can do it..you can beat this..keep up the positive attitude..we are all praying for your recovery back to health..keep up the fight..and soon you will be back in Phila..
ReplyDeleteLove Iris and Alan
Michael, Hanna Perlberger spoke so beautifully at Malky's bat mitzvah celebration today and what she said made me think of you. She told Malky and us that it took Hashem only a relatively short time to create the Universe and Man, but that the part of the Chumash that talks about our building the Mishkan is quite long. What we learn from this is that Hashem creating the Universe is an "easy" miracle, but that man creating a place that Hashem can dwell within is a VERY difficult job, a difficult miracle. You are showing us how difficult this can be. But a dwelling place for Hashem is so amazing...you are truly creating that. We, who read your blog, get to observe the miracle of who you are! Chazak Chazak...May you continue to go from strength to strength! Our Love, Janis and
ReplyDeleteRichie.
Michael,
ReplyDeleteShavuah tov! Hope you had a great father's day. Seeing you on shabbat brings tremendous inspiration to my tefilot. Your beautiful essay about emunah and waging the ongoing war about doubt and amalek is so powerful and applicable to each of us.
I am deeply grateful to hashem for your family who love you and support you, your amazing friends and community, your optimisim, honesty and true grit. You are also so eloquent and make us stop and think about the beautiful world around us. Everything is in sharper focus. More daily gratitude.
I might also mention your keen insights on the weekly parshah and connecting them to your and our daily lives. They say we need to live with the torah. Our sages say also the torah has 70 faces. That you understand that you can extract the power and hashem's message for your circumstance and have it apply to us universally is a testimony to to the truth of torah and hashem. It is also like getting water from the rock.. it is there but needs to be revealed. At first glance, a rock does not produce water. But hashem created the world with opposing elements inside everything that need to be meditated on in order extract that which lies within.
First, I wish you strength and blessings this week each minute and day as you confront these doubts and secondly, to thank you for the clear message of not being afraid.
It is a beautiful to see hashem guiding you and you guiding us through your challenges.
May hashem grant you a refuah shelemah give you the koach to battle on physically and mentally. So you can lead us and inspire us as a thriver not just a survivor.
Love kim and raymond
My dear brother Michael,
ReplyDeleteBecause your postings have had their gaps (something I think is good for integration purposes, but we miss them!), when I could not reach you on Skype, I assumed you had not posted yet. So, I wrote you an e-mail. Then - I saw what you wrote! You know that my own recent illness caused me to cancel my regular weekly teaching, with the exception of ours! I am grateful to Hashem that anything I may impart provides chizuk to you! The way you integrate, transform and give it over in your unique way provides a deep and inspiring understanding that dwarfs my humble contribution! You are truly a role model for each and every one of us! I know from all the comments that continue to stream in and the love we all wish to return to you -- that you have touched and transformed all of us and we are all blessed by you! I know this last chemo bout and what will follow are, as you say: "I am at my weakest....both spiritually and physically....filled with doubt....the Amalek within me is attacking....hoping I succumb and falter further...." -- I know, my dear brother and am hugging you and bringing you close to me in my every thought and prayer! All that you have learned, all that you are (like the 38 years that preceded the events in Chukas) have given you the emunah and chizuk that you will need to get through this last leg of this journey! May Hashem continue to protect, guide and heal you! Love, Naph
What a week with Michael. It started Erev Shabbos, where we attended a dinner with 250 other people sponsored by the Israel Chabad Center, lead by Rabbi Vigler and his wife, Shevy. They had brought 10 Israeli soldiers who were severely wounded by terrorists, mostly in the last Gaza and Lebanon wars. Incredibly moving night as each soldier spoke about their own experience and their struggle to rehabilitate their bodies and minds. They were so appreciative of the efforts of Chabad to take 10 days out of their lives and make New York City, Washington D.C., Niagara Falls and the Hamptons an unforgettable experience. The next day I met Mike at a Moroccan Shul on 75th Street. It was hard to follow the service but Mike didn’t seem to have any trouble. He certainly didn’t have any trouble compiling a beautiful plate of exotic Moroccan delicacies. Somewhere along the line there has to be some Sephardic blood in him. The rest of the week we basically spent getting ready for games 5, 6 and 7 of Celtics/Lakers. Michael and Adam came over to my place for game 6 along with the brothers of Pay Daled. The second half was pretty much a Bob Marley riff. It could have been called Round Ball Blow out. Some consolation for us Celtics fans. Michael’s spirits are about as high as was the intensity of Game 7. If sports is the new opiate of the masses – I welcome Michael to our midst’s. What a privilege! But I know he’s gonna stick to religion.
ReplyDelete~ Yitze Miller
Michael:
ReplyDeleteWe all miss you very much at shul and look forward to your return in victory. The weekly "mi-sheberach's" for you in shul, and the steady stream of daily Tehillim continue with great fervor and dedication as you move into this last segment of treatment.
Know that we are here for you, and in addition to our tefilot, sending you positive thoughts of love, support and brachos for a refuah shlema. Chazak v'ematz. We are with you in spirit.
Love,
Roz Lipsitt with best wishes from "Shkevin" and A.T.
dearest wachs family, since i last wrote, i have spent a weekend in the old city and was close to the cold stones of the western wall. when i put my face to the stones, i repeated over and over, your hebrew name as well as others who need our tefilla.
ReplyDeleteHashem is listening and he does hear our prayers. When i read this weeks, parsha, i realized that Moshe would simply walk into the tent and call Hashem's name and speak to him. Hashem was always there.
At times, i do doubt that he is listening and forget to call him. This week's parsha reminded me. Your trek to wellness is a magnificient testament that hashem is always there and he will always listen and respond.
You have developed a beautiful ear to listen to him and hear him so clearly.
thank you for sharing all of it..and helping me with my hearing skills and opening up my heart to the divine.
you are getting stronger each day as well as your cells, organs, muscles, tissues, body, mind and soul.
Wishing you another good week and many, many sunrises,
all our love from the eretz israel,
tova, dara and daniella