.....my 4th wellness visit....

I admit it....I'm scared....a bit numb actually.

Tomorrow morning I have a catscan at the crack of dawn.

This will be followed by chest x-rays...blood studies...and a visit with my surgeon Dr. Scheinfeld a bit later on.

The catscan will be my first since July 8th....which was about three weeks before my ten hour RPLND surgery.

It was that catscan where the blood clots on my lungs were discovered.

I have been injecting myself with 10,000 cu's of Fragmin every morning since.

I am so very hopeful that Hashem will bless me with a day filled with good health and good reports tomorrow.

As I sit on the bus heading north from Philadelphia to New York I am so grateful that Lisa and I were able to greet Danielle together a short time ago.

Danielle returned from Israel this morning after four months away.

She looked radiant!!!

This summer Danielle returned from another long trip to Israel.

That return coincided moments before my surgery and I am certain that the holy sparks of Danielle's neshama....coupled with the energy she carried with her from the Holy Land...assisted me in reaching the other side of that final ascent to wellness.

Danielle's hebrew name is Daniella Bracha Vachs... And she is indeed the truest and most beautiful of blessings.

With the help of heaven and the rachamim of Hashem I look forward to celebrating Danielle's 17th birthday this coming erev Shabbos....in good health and...

B'simcha
michael

....Shavua Tov....

Shavua tov my sweetest children Adam and Danielle.

I want you to know how much I was lifted and carried by each of you throughout Shabbos.

Danielly....having arranged on your own to travel in an armored van with a driver and nine friends to the holy community of Shiloh in the West Bank for Shabbos...mom and I are so very proud of you.

5 girls and 5 boys....a minyan....the required number to pray as one together.

The source of the minyan... of 10 is the spies...the maroglim...12 who went out to see the land of Israel but only Joshua and Caleb truly saw the land of milk and honey properly.

The eyes of the other 10 were clouded by misplaced truths and a misplaced understanding of holiness....yet they were of course still Jews....and a Jew is always a Jew....and this therefore is the source of the minyan.

Chazal holds that there are 10 energies of the soul....and it is this beautiful image that I see in my mind's eye as I imagined the armored van carrying the 10 beautiful Jewish souls including my precious daughter Danielle to Shabbos in Shiloh.

Shiloh....which we learn in Parshat Vayechi...."for Shiloh shall arrive and his will be an assemblage of nations"....the midrash explains that the word Shiloh is a composite of the words shy and lo, "a gift from him"...a reference to the Mashiach....to whom all nations will bring gifts....the Mashiach who will come from Shiloh.

....Shabbos in Shiloh....AMAZING!!

It is known that in the eye of a hurricane....at its very epicenter... is absolute calm....this was Shiloh for you this past Shabbos.

Despite all of the dangers driving in to Shiloh and returning to Hod Hasharon after Shabbos....despite the appearance of danger as almost all of the grown men who live in Shiloh carry weapons at all times....you experienced a calm, a true Shabbos menucha, a completeness, a peacefulness and a joy rarely if ever experienced.

I am so very happy for you my precious Danielle.

....and Adam having taken a bus with 2 friends from Jerusalem to the small community of Netivot....a half a mile or so from Gaza....and then hitch hiking further south...deeper into the negev to kibbutz Alumim....an even shorter distance to Gaza....within rocket range of the ketusha rockets of our enemies for Shabbos.

....and such a beautiful Shabbos you had my most beautiful son.

The energy and Kedusha that were the experiences tasted by you and Danielle this past Shabbos direct my mind to a specific lesson offered in Parsha Vayishlach which we read this past Shabbos.

When Yakov wrestles with....some say Esav's angel....others say....Yakov's own soul....the angel tells Yakov...."No longer will it be said that your name is Yakov, but Yisrael"....

Later in the Parsha Hashem says to Yakov...."Your name is Yakov. Your name shall not always be called Yakov, but Yisrael shall be your name".

Hashem's blessing was adding Yisrael to Yakov....not replacing Yakov with Yisrael.

Why was Hashem's blessing different?

Because Yakov needs both names.

Yakov is the man who lives in physicality but elevates it to its spiritual potential.

Yisrael is the man who is spiritual and brings spirituality down to this earth.

Hashem is saying to Yakov that your children need both and must be taught both.

Danielle and Adam....through the Yakov within each of you... you helped transform the physical communities of Shilo in the West Bank and the speck of desert in Alumim....and made them holy....and made each of them a Kiddush Hashem.

And through the Yisrael within each of you....you were able to draw down the divine sparks of Hashem's holiest Kedusha and bring that spirituality to places surrounded by our mortal enemies in Shiloh and within the range of the ketusha rockets of our enemies in Gaza.

For mom and me you were our shabbos candles this past shabbos....the flames of your neshamas flickering and reaching ever higher.

May your beautiful neshamas continue to be ablaze for all time.

I love you so!!!

B'simcha
Papa

....our mission....

This past Shabbos was so very beautiful.

First and foremost my most precious wife Lisa had returned from spending the previous two Shabboses in Israel having visited our children Adam and Danielle.

To have reunited with Lisa for Shabbos was magical.

Incredible that Lisa would return home and simultaneously welcome 10 Shabbos guests to our home for all of Shabbos.

What an Ayshet Chayil Lisa is!!

She is truly a bracha!!!

This past erev Shabbos marked exactly seven months since my cancer diagnosis.

Seven of course marks a moment of completion....as in Shabbos, the creation of the world and as we saw in last week's Parsha Vayeitsei, Yaakov Avinu worked seven years for Leah and an additional seven years for Rachel.

As we read the final pasuk in Vayeitsei we see that Yakov has two machanaim....two camps.

These two camps are the children born to Rachel and Leah.

Yakov's mission was to unify his portion....to unify his children and if successful to build the foundation that would become the Children of Israel.

My dearest friend Naphtali Perlberger pointed out that when we delve deeper into Yakov's mission to unify the machanaim...these camps we see the following.

First we remember that Yakov's father YItzchak failed to unify his children and those machanaim....those camps were split and fractured for all time.

We see that the gematria of machanaim is 148....we see that there are 148 pasukim...verses in this parsha Vayeitsei....and we know that Yakov's children, (as for all of us), were his portion....chelki....my portion....also sharing the same gematria of 148.

Wow...but it doesn't end there.

Yakov died at 147 years of age.

So what was the missing 1?

How was Yakov able to fulfill this mission to unify "his portion"...to unify the "camps" that were his children and to truly share the same essence as Machanaim, Vayeitsei and chelki?

How would he accomplish this?

Yakov would do so through the Aleph....the Aleph which is one...the Aleph which is Hashem.

And this is the lesson for all of us.

That only through truly connecting with The Almighty....can we hope to fulfill the mission of our lives and hope to unify all that Hashem dreams for us to be.

B'simcha
michael

.....7.....

Today marks seven months to the day since I was diagnosed with stage two testicular cancer.

I am so grateful to have reached yet another milestone in my recovery back from the edge of this world.

Here are but a few reasons why this moment is of such great significance to me.

Seven is a number of completion as The Almighty created the world in seven days.

Seven is Shabbos where we truly taste and unify this world with the next.

Additionally, we have just entered the month of Kislev....the month of lights.....the month of nissim....the month of miracles.

I am hopeful that this seventh month anniversary of my cancer diagnosis is indeed representative of a completion of one step in this miraculous journey.

I pray that the miracle of these past seven months takes me and my family to ever higher levels of keddusha and brings us ever closer to Hashem.

.....And that my healing.....both my physical and spiritual resurrection continue to be guided by the loving, kind and compassionate hands of The Master of the Universe who has enabled me to reach this day.....

B'simcha
michael

.....Sisters.....

Blood clots on my lungs were discovered by a Catscan taken in early July and injecting myself with a hyperdermic needle each morning filled with 10,000 iu's of fragmin has been a morning ritual ever since.

I have therefore been unable to travel far and have been forbidden to fly.

It was about two months ago that I called my wife's sister Wendy and asked her if she might consider doing me a favor.

I told her that she didn't have to answer me on that call but I would be most grateful to her if she might consider flying to Israel with her sister Lisa to visit Adam and Danielle in my absence.

Wendy, who had never been to Israel was kind enough to accept and joined Lisa for ten days in Am HaKodesh.

I have never been able to answer the question of how is my family? with...."Wonderful....and they are all in Israel" before.

This was a very special feeling.

To be witness to Lisa and Wendy departing for a trip of a lifetime....two sisters traveling back to their roots...off to visit our children in the land of our matriarchs and patriarchs was a blessing of epic proportions.

In my estimation it was not a coincidence that as they landed in Israel erev Shabbos the parsha that would be read was Chaya Sarah....and Sarah Lived.

How unbelievably appropriate.

Our matriarch Sarah passed the torch of our spiritual inheritance down through the millenia to all of her daughters....to all of the Jewish women who carry us forward.

....And I had the zcheus to see two loving sisters embark on a journey back through time....Lisa to see her children evolving and blossoming further.....and Wendy peering through the lens of her Jewish soul in a way never experienced before.

I am so grateful to The Almighty that He allowed me to witness this in good health.

All that we are as a Jewish nation....as a people....all of Jewish life rises and falls on the homes that our women of valor produce.

We cannot and will not exist without them.

May the sparks of kedusha that
Lisa and Wendy brought back with them elevate our families ever higher....and in doing so elevate all of K'lal Yisrael.

B'simcha
michael

......miracles.......

As we enter into the new month of Kislev....the month of miracles....I again take stock in the miracle that is my life.

It is but 100 days since all of my bodily functions were carried out through tubes....feeding my body nutrients and liquids....removing all waste....

I could not walk....my legs were attached to machines which worked to circulate and stimulate my blood flow as I suffered from blood clots on my lungs which continue to plague me to this day.

.....And here I stand sixty days since my last posting on the eve of yet another new month....this the month of miracles.

I have learned much in these past seven months and one kernel of these truths is that each and every breath is indeed a miracle.

We say it all the time....but many of us fail to truly recognize that every breath.....is a gift of life provided by The Master of The Universe out of His deep love for us and we must express our appreciation and our gratitude to Him constantly for this gift.

Our individual challenge is to determine how we will utilize this ongoing miracle?!?!.....may we have the strength to make the gift of each breath a sanctification of Hashem's name....by modeling ourselves after Him....in ever higher levels of decency, kindness, good deeds and Torah study.

May we be blessed to take each and every new breath.....

B'simcha
michael

..........5771...........

As I approach the dawn of a new year....Rosh Hashanah 5771....a new year I was not certain I would have had the privilege to greet....I am first and foremost grateful to my beloved wife Lisa for insisting that I visit a doctor on my 50th birthday....without which my condition would not have been discovered....to my precious children Adam and Danielle who I love beyond words and who will each greet this Rosh Hashanah in Eretz Yisrael....to my wonderful parents and in laws....to my dear family and extended family....to my dearest friends.... to my many dear Rabbaim, to the amazing community of Lower Merion, Philadelphia and to the Yidden of Klal Yisrael for your heartfelt teffilas, your overwhelming kindness and genuine concern for my well being and that of my wife and children during these past five months.


I will never be able to properly articulate in words the deep gratitude I hold in my heart for all of you.

You quite simply stormed the heavens and beseeched The Almighty to bring me back from the precipice which separates this world from the next.

I am forever humbled and overwhelmed by the kindness you have shown me.

I also ask that you please forgive me for the inadequacy of this expression of thanks to you....as it was your teffilos that opened the gates of heaven for me and quite simply saved my life. I am so humbled by this truth that my expression of gratitude can only fall short of the magnanimity of your deeds.

I am of course most grateful to The Ribbono Sh'Olam for hearing your teffillos... and for listening to my many pleas for His rachamim and for drying the tears which flowed from my heart and down my face for so long.

Hashem....You protected me....You provided me shelter from the fury of this storm....and You brought me back from the brink.

In grappling with all that I have witnessed, I was moved by an idea offered by Chief Rabbi Sir Jonathon Sacks when posed by the question of what one should do, if G-d forbid you find yourself in the midst of crisis?

"There's one biblical passage that's deeply helpful. It's the famous enigmatic story in Genesis 32 in which, at night, Jacob wrestles with an unknown, unnamed adversary: "Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak". It was this passage that gave the Jewish people their name, Israel, meaning, "One who struggles with G-d and with man and prevails". The key phrase is when Jacob says to the stranger, "I will not let you go until you bless me". Within every crisis lies the possibility of blessing. Events that at the time were the most painful, are also those that in retrospect we see most made us grow.

Crisis forces us to make difficult but necessary decisions. It makes us ask, "who am I and what really matters to me?" It plunges us from the surface to the depths, where we discover strengths we didn't know we had, and a clarity of purpose we had hitherto lacked. So you have to say to every crisis, "I will not let you go until you bless me".

The struggle isn't easy. Though Jacob was undefeated, he "limped". Battles leave scars. Yet G-d is with us even when He seems to be against us. For if we refuse to let go of Him, He refuses to let go of us, giving us the strength to survive and emerge stronger, wiser, blessed."

I pray that in 5771 we all see the blessings....even in the darkest and most difficult of moments....

....and in seeing the blessings....we see Hashem....and in doing so....

Hasten the coming of the Moshiach.

B'simcha
michael

........coming in from the storm...........

I arrived back at Sloan-Kettering on Monday morning July 26th at 7:30 AM for a RPLND surgery.

This surgery lasted 9 hours.

Between surgery and this writing Hashem has shown me His kindness, His mercy, His compassion, His love as well as the gates of gehenom.

These days have been beyond this world and I have been unable to write about them.....

All I can say at this time......

Is that thanks to my AMAZING Ayshet Chayil Lisa and the merciful hand of The Ribbono Sh'Olam....

I'm coming home......on the eve of Rosh Chodesh Elul no less....

Elul which is spelled Ayin, Lamed, Vav, Lamed....

The acronym of which is Ani L'dodi V'dodi Li....I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.....

My beloved Lisa is THE reason I am typing these words....Lisa who sent me to the doctor....

Lisa....my soulmate....the other half of my neshama....the one who completes me.

My most precious Sil...you saved me!!!!

How fitting is it that we will soon return home on the eve of Elul....on the eve of our 23rd year of marital joy, love and harmony when we celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary on August 23rd B'ZH.

It is all so amazing!

Elul is also a time when we literally commune with The Almighty....hand in hand so to speak....here in this world....

......one of the most joyous months on our calender.

I pray that Lisa and I can be blanketed by the love for one another and by Hashem's divine love for us the rest of our days.

sign after sign after sign after sign!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HASHEM IS GREAT AND TRULY HEARS OUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!

I'm coming home!!!!!!!!!!

B'simcha
michael

...........sweeeeet riiddeee..........

Baruch Hashem!!!!!!! Just wanted to let everybody know that the surgery just ended and went very well!!
Two huge masses were removed from very difficult areas B"H. Surgery was very difficult but successful. He will be in recovery overnight.
Thank you for your continued love and support and tefillos and unbelievable help during this time...

Adam

............the road home.............

Master of the Universe....

Thank you!!

Only in Your divine wisdom and with Your divine compassion would this morning's sunrise have been greeted by our sweet Danielle's return from Eretz Yisrael.

To see Danielle walk into our small apartment with Lisa and Adam as I davened Shaccarit was quite simply incredible.

Only You could have orchestrated this so smoothly.

You have been so kind to us.

I know that the course you have set for our family is not meant to be easy.

....at the heart of our collective worry....at the center of my own pain and disfigurement ....this road has overflowed with beauty.

If beauty can be measured by an even deeper appreciation and love for one another...if beauty can be measured by a greater awareness of Your presence in our lives than ever before....if beauty can be measured by the overwhelming outpouring of chesed and tefilla by our community and beyond then all is incredibly beautiful.

These are all reflections of the divine sparks of light which we know will draw us out of this darkness.

As the sun rose this morning, Danielle returned with an amazing clarity as to her connection to You. Her strong and vibrant sense of self has been brightened and is more aglow thanks to You....and this is but one of the many gifts which has resulted from this great test I am facing.

Tomorrow....what will become of me tomorrow?

I know I must climb higher still....

And it is crystal clear that there is no ascension without You......

So I implore You Hashem.....I beg of You....much like Moshe Rabbeinu implored you this past Shabbos in Va'Eschanan.

Please look favorably upon me Hashem...although I am undeserving... I plead with You to look favorably upon me all the same.

As I prepare for what awaits tomorrow I know that I am in the right place....with the best surgeons and medical team.

I am also soothed by the words from the Haftorah read yesterday....

"Nachamu Nachamu Ami Yomar Eloheichem....Dabru Al Lev Yerushalim V'kiru ELeiha"....

"Comfort, comfort My people - says Hashem. Speak to the heart of Jerusalem and proclaim to her that her time of exile has been fulfilled."

So please Hashem....let me return to my family....my community....my home....

B'simcha
michael