Transcendence

Thanks to the kindness and benevolence of The Almighty I have just witnessed my 8th consecutive sunrise....this of course has never happened in my life before. This morning's sunrise unlike yesterday's ball of fire rising over the eastern horizon was the morning's light overwhelming the darkness.....just as beautiful and just as awe inspiring. Shmini...or eight in Judaism... signifies transcendence....and that is exactly what took place yesterday.

Yesterday started with my having awakened Lisa, Adam and Danielle around 5 AM. We had a train to catch to NYC and I was packed for a 3-4 month stay.We slipped into the clothes we had laid out for ourselves at midnight the night before and departed in Adam's car. On the expressway I pointed out the magnificent ball of fire just coming over the horizion as we drove on to the train station in silence. I davened Shaccarit and read Tehillim on the train. I was just taking off my Tallis and Tefiilin as we lumbered through the tunnels under NYC's final approach. Lisa, Adam, Danielle and I tried to remain calm....but there was a palpable degree of unimaginable fear suppressed in each of our hearts.

Before driving directly to Sloan Kettering we took a cab to view the apartment Lisa had reserved for me for the next 2 to 3 months. Lisa has been a rock. Laser focused. Her eyes and heart tunnel visioned on her attempt to preserve life.....mine!! The small residence ten or so blocks from SK was perfect....we moved on to the hospital.

As the sliding glass doors opened to SK's surgical building the information desk was to the right. We all noticed the two beautiful Hasids.....faces aglow.... reciting Tehillim in the only two chairs by the side of the elevator. Although we said nothing to one another at seeing them we were all given a jolt of chisuk at the sight of them. We checked in and were told to ascend to the 6th floor surgical level. As we approached the elevators the two Chasids....rose to greet me by name...as we quickly learned they had flown in from Montreal the night before with the intention of being in those two chairs as the four of us arrived to greet me. I have my beautiful older brother Phil...like Aaron himself .....to thank for his friendship with those two brothers and his deep insights and concern for me as the reason for their presence as well as his own yesterday. We were astounded. I had my own book of Tehillim in my hand and we recited Tehillim 30 as we ascended the elevator together.

I was scheduled for a noon surgery and was taken by the nurses to prepare at eleven. As I undressed and changed into the surgical garb I kept only my book of Tehillim and my Kippah with me. I would hold on to these until the last minute....Once dressed Adam and Danielle joined Lisa and me from the waiting lounge in the surgical staging area behind a curtain. As we held hands and sat together I told them how much I loved mom (Lisa)....how she had in fact been the fulfillment of my life...the truest Ayshet Chayil... and how wonderful a mother she was to them. I told Adam and Danielle how special, unique and beautiful they were ...both inside and out....and of course how very proud I was to be their father.

I was steadfast and clear that this "predicament" was the way of Hashem and this was a result of his immense love for me and our family. We were to respect this enemy....this cancer...this death within me ....but we were to only fear Hashem. My good friend Moshe Sternberg helped me frame my enemy and build my resolve in fighting it. This enemy Moshe made clear would not lose....it had to be beaten. I would have to be a commando.....and the most successful commandos are those that are alone and on foot. I am that commando. I am that soldier. I have realized that it is being a soldier in Hashem's brigade that is all I have ever wanted to be and that in knowing this with such clarity would help me annihilate, expunge and kill the death lurking inside of me.

While waiting, I reviewed several insights with Lisa, Adam and Danielle given over by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. Rebbe Nachman points out that the approach to G-d starts with rejection. When a man wants to draw closer to G-d, he usually experiences all manner of hardships, harsh experiences and fierce obstacles. He starts believing that he has been rejected. But in fact, everything is for his own good. The purpose is actually to bring him closer to God. It takes great strength and courage to stand up to this trial and not let yourself get pushed away by the hardships and obstacles and the sense of rejection. You must realize that everything that comes upon you is only for your good. It is to encourage you to draw upon all the resources of strength which are within you, so that you will be able to come even closer to God. The entire purpose of the rejection is only to draw you closer......And the seat of this strength is in one's heart!!!!

These ideas were difficult for Lisa, Adam, Danielle, (and in fact myself), to fully grasp as we were still somewhat frozen in fear by the sheer size of my dilemma and the great battles that lay ahead. As the surgery drew closer my beautiful and most precious older brother Philip relieved Lisa, Adam and Danielle for some private time. In Phil's quiet silence he afforded me much chizuk and then offered a most special d'vrei Torah about the hidden neshamah being the essence of the last two parshiots and therein lay the strength and core of who I am. My sister Rachel replaced Phil for a spell and was kind enough to read Tehillim to me. Lisa's closest and most precious friend Allison...who Adam, Danielle and I reluctantly share with Lisa as we love her beyond measure dropped in behind the curtain as well. My spirits soared and my first true bursts of laughter were provided by my dearest friend Yitsala.

As the surgery drew closer the curtain drew open once more and my dearest and closest "Other three Brothers".... Mordechai.... Shlomo...and Peys appeared. All left but "the brothers", Lisa, Adam and Danielle. The many niggunim that followed brought forth the final sparks of keddusha necessary to unlock those last gates that were holding us back.....All wept tears of joy and gratitude and love for one another and for Hashem. We all finally saw and understood!! I was completely calm and at peace.

The boys left my family alone for the final moments alone. I told Lisa, Adam and Danielle that I would leave them in that order. The nurses opened the curtain and I stood to walk with them. I hugged and kissed my beloved Lisa.....the one who has completed me these many years. Adam was next and then Danielle. They took turns placing their heads on my shoulder while I placed my hands on their heads and recited the threefold preistly blessings. It was then that I took off my glasses and kippah...replaced it with a surgical head covering and moved on. As I turned that hallway with the nurses I could make out the silouette of my brother Phil in the other distance.....we each raised our hands and arms heavenward in unison....as Phil and I have always known.....that it is from here alone that all is granted by Hashem Himself.

I walked down the long corridor with nurses turning left and then right into the Operating Room. On our approach I told them that the #17 (which was the operating room number) equaled "tov" in hebrew and that this was very good indeed. I immediately greeted Dr. Joel Sheinfeld, a world reknowned and most skilled surgeon and the six or so others and expressed my gratitude to them for their upcoming attempts to assist me. I implored them to use all of the skills they acquired from G-d to the best of their abilities in that effort. I then gave Dr. Sheinfeld the threefold preistly blessing as I held his hand while lying on the operating table. The anesthesa then sedated me....

On several occasions last night in the darkness of my room....alone....I relieved myself in the container given to me. Never before in my life has the profundity of the bracha we say each time we do so meant so much to me....Blessed are you, Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe, Who fashioned man with wisdom and created within him many openings and many cavaties. It is obvious and known before Your Throne of Glory that if but one of them were to be ruptured or but one of them were to be blocked it would be impossible to survive and to stand before You. Blessed are You, Hashem, Who heals all flesh and acts wondrously.

I am humbled beyond words by the outpouring of love and tefillas that I have felt during this ordeal. Mostly, I am overwhelmed by both the true achdus and unity exhibited by the Jewish world. I am most pleased by the many that have turned to Hashem our true saviour in davening on my behalf. I am hopeful that the heavens are pleased with our efforts.

B'simcha
michael