Shabbos offered a most welcomed respite from the drudgery that is my daily battle against the most disciplined and committed of enemies....this cancer and its comrade...the benign teratoma which fights by its side.....that test my resolve both emotionally and physically every second.
At a certain level I imagine my enemies would laugh at what they are doing to me mentally. I must be honest....my yetzer harah....taking advantage of my limited historical knowledge of my condition...plays evil tricks on me....offering doomsday predictions given the fact that there is a two front war being waged....one of which has not even begun yet......as it is immune to the poisons currently being used against its evil ally within me.
I imagine their glee knowing that I have already been so disfigured physically in the brevity of this medical military campaign....and I have no way of knowing if I am standing them down....so this weighs on me.
Am I winning? Will I be successful in annihilating them before they claim victory over me?
My mind plays tricks on me and each trick is a test of my emunah?
So Shabbos .....sweet Shabbos.....that incredible gift from Hashem....
offered a sanctified oasis in time where all was holy and all was joyful.
In Parshos Nasso we read, "Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying, Take a census of the sons of Gershon".....but if we look more closely at the Hebrew it is written, ...."nasso et rosh benei Gershon"...."count the heads of the sons of Gershon"....
Hashem wasn't just counting us...He was and is literally lifting each of our heads....so that He can lovingly turn our faces up towards Him....and then we are counted....
How beautiful!!
Hashem loves us so and this is the source of our strength.
So I wish each and every one of you as we fall into the week and out of Shabbos.....
to remember that Hashem lifts our faces to Him....
and this like the sweet taste of the Challah at our Shabbos tables.....
offers us a glimpse.....as the acronym of Challah suggests....
Chelek L'Olam Habah.....
A portion in the world to come!!
Shavua Tov my family and sweet friends....
B'Simcha
michael
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Michael,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine the battle that goes on - the physical for sure, but the emotional, wow! We are not perfect, only He is, so our yetzer hara taps into our physical struggles where it reigns powerful. In your case, you are like Yaakov fighting with Aisav's angel all night - and for sure, it is the metaphor of the night that is where Yaakov is victorious and from whom the ma'ariv service is derived. Shabbos - the great equalizer - the Light of Shabbos obliterates the darkness and you so eloquently and clearly express its force. May you take Shabbos - as the Sages instruct us - into your week and may your ever study of Torah provide the spiritual fuel to keep that fire burning. Love you, my brother - Naph
KOL YISRAEL yesh lahem chelek liolam habah.
ReplyDeleteALL of Israel has a chelek in Olam Haba, for we are all tzadikkim...
But- our chalakim in Olam Habah are different, and as I learned in the Sefer Derech Hashem by the Ramchal, our chelek is based on two factors- our maasim in this world and the suffering we undergo. Many rishayim seem to benefit too much in this world, but this only means that they are not destined for the pleasures of Olam Haba. In contrast, the tzadik will be purged of his sins to the greatest extent possible in this world, to allow him to more fully enjoy the pure bliss to be had in Olam Haba. This is an idea that has kept me going in times of trouble for those around me, and an idea that I believe lends us an insight into the ways of the world.
Yirmeyahu writes: "Ve'atah al-tira avdi Yaakov ve'al-techat Yisrael ki hineni moshiacha merachok ve'et-zar'acha me'eretz shivyam veshav Yaakov veshakat vesha'anan ve'ein macharid."
But as for you, do not be afraid, My servant Yaakov, and do not be frightened, O Yisrael, for behold, I am saving you from afar, and your offspring from the land of their captivity; and Yaakov shall return and be tranquil and complacent, and none will make [him] afraid.
Do not be afraid.
B'vracha,
Josh Dembowitz
Challah....
ReplyDeleteCreating Health: Allowing Love, Laughter, And Heart!
The fear and doubt running through your mind must be even more agonizing than your physical battles. As your physical miseries are evidence that you are waging all out war on the cancer, the mind is certain to react. It is so difficult to just be the witness to one's reactions, but when you are being your own witness, you can continue to create space--space to let go of the fears that grip you, and reconnect with all that strengthens you.
We wish you plenty of CHALLAH this week, Michael.
All our love,
louise and jon
Your words are pearls of wisdom, lovingly written in a time of such distress, it gives me and I am sure many of your friends and family the security to know that you will continue to fight this battle with all the strength you can muster, as difficult as it may become for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is so interesting that you touched upon the metaphor of Challah, because for me, each time I make my challah, I pray for you, I feel connected to you.
And as for Shabbos, yes that is exactly what it is, a respit from the weeekday, so lift your face to Hashem and let Him be your source of strength, always.
Love,
Jody and family
Today in Rabbi Steinberg's class on the Chason Ish's Faith and Trust we spoke about the difference between Emunah (faith) and Bitachon (trust). Emunah is knowing that HaShem is our Creator and He runs the world, but Bitachon is knowing that everything that comes in our life is from HaShem and is for the good. You are an example of Bitachon in a HUGE way! It causes me to wonder if I would have the Bitachon that you live if given a challenge such as yours. You are truly our hero....in Bitachon! Chazak, chazak...Janis and Richie
ReplyDeleteMikey...words of the wise once again grace these pages like a warm NYC evening blowing a fresh breeze from the Meadowland marshes and green grasses of hilly Staten Island...way down the turnpike to Penn Valley's secret cloth of happiness and extrodinary gardens of future Sabbath walks with family, friends and the reunions ahead...A year from now with your arms and legs restored and your mighty eyes glancing these passages, we all will be smiling at exactly the same time!
ReplyDeleteright on to you brother!....
H Man
dear Michael, Nili just forwarded to us, your blog, which is such a z'chus and precious gift to receive. Your words, like you, are holy and awe-inspiring.You are truly created b'tselem Elokim. From the first moment I saw you at Aish, holding the Torah as each woman came to kiss the Torah on Simchat Torah, your eyes shone, as you nodded your head as you recognized each soul approaching the Torah. I was struck by your piety,your nobility, your humility and the honor you accorded each one.
ReplyDeleteNow you are engaged in an all-out battle which you are already the victor. Your spirit inspires and teaches how to endure G-d's mysterious tests.May we all be zocheh to have you as our shining light in our midst, in total health and b'simcha, to dance and sing with you -and your magnificent family.
Together with you, love, Lila and Mel
BH"
ReplyDeleteMichael,
Understandably it is a couple of days since your last posting. So, with that in mind I was searching and thinking of what to write to you. I found an interesting thought about this weeks Torah portion, "Beha'aloscha."
The Korban Pesach was only offered one time during the forty years the Jews journeyed through the desert."In the second year of their going out from the land of Egypt, in the first month...and the Children of Israel made the Passover offering in the proper season."
Rashi interprets this in a negative way. Despite the fact that Hashem told them to wait, Rashi still views it negatively, even though they were following G-d's command to wait until they enter the land of Israel. Rashi writes "This was to the disgrace of Israel, that all 40 years they were in the desert they brought only one Passover offering." What can possibly be wrong with following G-d's command?
The Lubavitcher Rebbe writes regarding this commentary, "In truth, had the Jewish people requested permission to offer the Passover offering before reaching Israel, G-d would have allowed it, just as He gave the Jews who were ritually impure on Passover a second chance to bring an offering on Pesach Sheini, the "Second Passover." For G-d listens to our requests. Had the Jewish people but asked, they would have merited to bring the Passover offering even in the desert.
From this we learn just how important G-d considers a Jew's requests. Asking something of G-d is praiseworthy; not asking Him is "disgraceful."
This also teaches how important it is to repeatedly entreat G-d to bring the Final Redemption "speedily," as we say in our prayers, "Speedily cause the scion of David Your servant to flourish," and "May it be Your will...that the Holy Temple be speedily rebuilt in our days."
The initiative must come from us. We must continually beg G-d to bring Moshiach. For when Jews ask, G-d listens."
As I read this I thought of you. Michael, you MUST continue to ask, we all must. Ask G-d each day for your recovery, and ultimately deliverance from this exile, as they say on the "wings of eagles" to the ultimate redemption with Moshiach, may it happen right away.
G-d willing we will all have our prayers and requests for your recovery answered & recieved.
Be well.
Michael & Jody
Hang in there Michael! XO Margie & Bryan
ReplyDelete